The difference

Disclaimer: this is my perspective the way I see it. If you don't like it stop reading and move on.

I have noticed a disturbing trend in relationships I am forming. I do sent mean it is wrong it is just wrong for me. That trend I am seeing....involves fantasy vs. reality. Now there is nothing wrong with a little fantasy and fun in any relationship. However the trend that I am seeing is that the expectation of the fantasy be the reality.

For anyone that actually knows me I deal with the real. Not saying that I can't have fun or enjoy a date night that seems drawn form a fantasy but in all things real life I like to deal in facts. I don't believe in playing games when I make a statement about how I feel or what I see.

Whats funny about this is no matter what I state I am told my perspective is wrong. Well news flash, it's my perspective so not only it is right but for it to change I have to do that and for me to do that you have to do something world changing. Why you might ask, and I can say 1.it's my perspective or 2.I can be brutally honest and let you know your behavior, your actions, and your words dont match. Yes you can object to everything I can say here and I will direct you to the disclaimer. Yes you can say I am an asshole and I will tell you 2 things. Yes I am. And I have never hidden that.

The Sentinel

This is my last attempt at poetry so if my words don't flow don't have a go at me. Please understand I am speaking from my heart lettering that last wall fall in hoppers I can gain back some of my humanity.

See you inspired me to go to the written word when I had given up hope of of speaking again. You encouraged me t ok seek the voice that I have been missing, to busy pudding away the gift that I have been graced with. Facing once again losing a gift I had been graced with I turn to the written word to convey the psalm that is on my heart.

Even though it started when I was young and graced with that golden tongue that turned you to look at me. I started to see a bigger picture when I leet you in so that I could knowingly sin. In your arms I felt happy for a time, but then things began to unwind. Since I was grown but not, I should have had the sense to stop before I damaged you, but like a selfish child I wanted more.

That left the door open for years and to many tears most of which I never cried as I tired to impart how you had my heart. See hindsight is 20/20 and though I see clearly now I was blinded then. I was blinded by my misery  and shame could see that the whole time you were willing to stand beside me and lead me to the light. I was t ok busy trying to fight a battle that was mine. If I had a dime for every time I have you an excuse I would be well off. Pardon me as I cough from the dust that is rising from my index emotions, tightly locked away from coming out to play since I had been hurt before.

I know you are not her or them but in your own way while tending my garden you were slowly destroying me, but that is because I would not let you see through the fog of my wounds as they poured out more smoke. Yes those screens we used to choke and kill the romance we had and now using that hindsight 20/20 ok wish I could take it back.

Nothing to do be be a man accept my mistakes say a heartfelt I am sorry to the one woman who stood in my corner against all odds and fought for me. My sentinel, my guardian even when the job is no longer yours you stand a post better than most and longer than all. I don't know if this is your call given to you by the divine Master but I say thank you a and I am sorry for all the hurt I caused. I am flawed and broken though with you standing guard I get to play the card one more time.

Dante's Inferno Goes Gamer

So I finally picked up a game that challenges some very set conventions around video games. Dante's
Inferno was uber-disturbing. Lets start with the imagery that was taken straight from the poem. If you have not read it well you are missing a lot. The minor demons are standard fare for video games; slightly uninspired for this game yet what makes them stand out would be the damned souls that they are torturing. The ambient noise and music also lends to the feeling of surreal and slight freakiness. This game goes into some great visuals on everything in the foreground but everything in the background is very generic. This is one of the game's small failings but by and large this game deserves at leat a 4 star rating. Music and ambient noise lend to the overall sense of impending doom up until the last level. Then the game takes a turn for the cheeseball. The inclusion of the orignal poem does lend the game some credence epecially if you read as you progress through the levels of hell. For those unfamilar with the actual poem here is a chance to see a chilling but possibly drug induced dream of a mans look at Hel. Now back to the game, it was good but the gaame on the last few levels seems to run out of stema and resort to cheap over played video game sentimentality. This would be the game's major failing but over all the game holds togther with out any major glithces. So gamers go check out this game and see a dream a vision come to life on a gaming system in a very good mix of action platforming and level progression.

Why do we hate truth

Why do we hate the truth?  I mean we are taught to tell the truth.  In fact more often than not we learn from the examples our parents set for us.  So it becomes easy to tell white lies and we go to church and they do it there and we learn to slowly hate the truth.  I recently was introduced to 2 videos that state the Truth is small simple words that everyone can understand.  And the response to these videos was universally the same.  People posted as to why this man was so wrong in telling the Truth. Listening to a young man describe the difference Jesus and religion and state Truth. Because

See God speaks to us in so many ways and we are so busy with our lives and our worries that we forget to be still and listen to simple truth. And being still is what it is all about, just so we can hear that small still voice tell us the Truth. Funny thing is we don't want to hear it because that would mean we would have to stop lying to ourselves about ourselves. Or that we would have to challenge tightly held beliefs because it doesn't really jive with real Truth.  

Think about it like this.....real truth is ugly at first, because it makes us see the ugliness in us. But then it can transform us into something beautiful, majestic, inspiring if we just let it and we stop and listen. 

More blogs to come starting this saturday. If you are easily offended please stop reading. If you are religous, closed minded or just plain obtuse please dont read however yourr comments wil be accepted but be aware you will be ridculed laughed at and generally made fun of. Ok so more on saturday.

Your Choice

What makes a bad parent?  Let's not go with the obvious choices let's go deeper and think harder for just a few seconds and see what we come up with. I have not seen my daughter in about 8 years and at first glance everyone would say I am a bad parent. A statistic a number that can be tracked and collated and distilled to banality. Yet that is not the whole story of the situation. Many people can say oh well do something about it but because I can't does that make me a bad parent?

Lets look at the other side of the story; her mother. The "good" parent, maybe. The parent that cares for her in person has full custody and yet hides from me and my family. This is the parent that demanded she have our child the majority of the week. Fought to keep me a "weekend" parent even though I arranged my schedule with my job at the time so that I could have more time with my daughter. The "good" parent conspired with her family to essentially kidnap our child. And yet her mom is still the "best" parent.

I am under the impression that for any one to be considered a good parent the guy has to pay out of the nose and the woman has very little accountability. I am automatically the bad parent even though my home had everything my daughter could want or need. I spent time with her and taught her what she needed for the time. She had manners and knew how to wash her hands before eating and how to wipe them when she got messy. Yep being a bad parent was such a tiresome thing. I don't know about anyone else but I think that from my point of view being the bad parent may not have been so bad at all. The next time you run into the "bad" parent look beneath the surface and see if there something deeper.

Being A Foodie

So this is going to be my first food blog but not my last. There will even be video coming as soon as I can find the stuff I want to show. For anyone who knows me I am a very picky eater and seriously more of a carnivore than an omnivore. My journey started in OR about hmmmmmm 10 years ago when I seriously started experimenting with my grill and stove. I found a great recipe for an awesome BBQ sauce and my mole (pronounced mo lea) with a little help from a friend's secret sauce, exploded. I started experimenting with my flavors and seasoning and grew exponentially.

So that brings us to the here and now. I go to sushi; and trust me that is a leap for me; and I do other foods while still being picky. Yeah I am picky I don't like onion, can't eat bell peppers and most fish i still wont eat. Can't stand the smell and I will not absolutely will not eat shell fish. So yes as a foodie I fail some what, but I still like tons of other stuff.

As I write this I am thinking that BBQ season is coming upon us. Time to take out the sugar (brown) and spice and everything nice. I think this year I will try my hand at 2 home made BBQ sauces and maybe a few dry rubs. Now all I need is a smoker and I will be ready and set to do my thing.